The Early Tweet Gets the Retweet (by Omar Reyes)


Posted on August 2, 2017

I have 832 followers on Twitter. Each of them cling to my every word. I inspire them to be their better selves. I make them laugh when they’re feeling down. I provide the exact context they’re missing to get a better and more robust understanding of the socio-political-religious climate we are in.  (As an aside: I have a very good grasp of the difference between “their” and “they’re”. So, there.)

Everything about what I say matters to the masses. That’s why I want influence and prestige. People rely on my outrage and frustrations to feel like they are normal for having those feelings too. If I could, I’d stay up all night tweeting to my followers to remind them the world is going to be alright.

Repeat after me, in ALL CAPS LOCK: THE WORLD IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT

That’s my job. I’m a Life Coach to the world! You need me. Don’t pretend like you don’t. I’ve clocked over 10 000 tweets this past year. I go to bed late and wake up early. I like to say, “The early tweet gets the retweet.”

I hardly sleep. I can’t sleep. I mustn’t sleep. I need to keep inspiring the world, or at least my 832…oh wait…831 followers. They need me to keep tweeting. Tell me, who else will make them laugh with my sharp and culturally savvy wit? Who will make them think twice about shopping at Wal-Mart? Tell me? Who will give you an alternative commentary on the latest political scandal? Who?

I haven’t even started to tell you how I brighten people’s week with the perfect GIF that I’ve spent hours searching for. HOURS.

So, no, to answer your question, I’m not able to hang out with you today because I’ve got really important work to do.

—Omar Reyes

A Response to Psalm 127